My one attempt at poetry

Back in 11th grade, we had to write a "collection of poems" - my normally cheerful self suddenly became the cynically depressed poet over night. I maintain it is impossible to write happy poetry and not sound like a tool. So here, I share with you my first masterpiece in that collection. This one sounds like a bad pop song - can't you see some American Idol murdering this poor thing? However, you will see why I avoid poetry like the plague after a sampling of my poetry...

I Don't Love You

I don't love you, I'm sorry to say
I thought you would like to know
Before you come to me
Through the blistering snow

I don't love you, I'm sorry to say
I stopped a long time ago
But I tried to hide it from you
And just go along with the flow

I don't love you, I'm sorry to say
I realize I never did
Yet I thought it had blossomed in summer
In the treehouse where we'd hid

Or perhaps I thought it occurred in the winter
Upon the snow bank where we'd played
Yet I see now I never did
Quite love you in that way

The way the storybooks describe
All starry eyes and such
You never were Prince Charming
I had just dreamed you as that much

Forgive me, but I want the fairy tale
Not some fling that will fade
Forgive me but I have my dreams
Of which you haven't made

Open-minded

Continuing on with my journal, this is an undated entry that I think comes from high school, around senior year. The question was: Are you open-minded to other people’s opinions? Do you listen to all sides before you respond? Are you slow or quick to make a decision? Are you flexible?

I like to think I’m open minded and I am most of the time. I always listen to all sides of a story if they’re available so I can get a good handle on the situation and make an informed decision. Not only that, it’s very cool to look at a problem or situation from another perspective. You learn so much about yourself and the situation when you take an idea and flip it around to see what you get. As for how slow or quick I make decisions, usually more quick than slow but I like to research so my first impression/decision can change a lot once I have the facts under my belt. I am flexible. It’s not my way or the high way with any of my opinions or ideas and compromises are a wonderful thing – as is the ability to be able to agree to disagree. Variety of opinion is a good thing and keeps people on their toes and up to date or would ideally if our society was one to participate more.

I look back on my high school entries and don't know whether to be proud or worried about how much I have stayed the same. I have always prided myself on my open-mindedness and my willingness to accept and try to understand. I have found it is a talent which has landed me a lot of great friends and experiences over the years. Yes, I was that girl anyone could talk to about anything and I would help you out as best I could. I still am and I figure, there are worse things to be in this world of today than someone willing to meet anyone half way. I think maybe we could use a few one like that around. My one thing I have figured out and that I can take pride in.

I have found my high school entries written much better (thank goodness!), less moody and more interesting to me. I recognize myself in them more. The only thing I seem to be very moody about still is a lack of a guy. Still moody about that too...excellent.

trip down memory lane for the next few weeks

In looking for an old wicker desk I knew was in my room somewhere, I stumbled upon an old journal I got years ago as a Christmas present. I went through my phase of journaling as most of my friends did. This journal, as all my other ones, remains unfinished. However, the cool thing about this journal is that it gave prompts for the writer to respond to. Reading through them, I am astonished by how much I have changed....and how much I haven't. The next few weeks, before I head South for the summer, I thought I would share a few. My first one is from April 1999 - I was fourteen years old. The prompt was "What are the things that MATTER most to you in your life right now?"

The things that matter most to me now are school, my family and my friends. Seems pretty self-centered I know but when you're a 14 year old growing up in a small town in Central New York, what else is there to matter? Good grades are your ticket out of here so school is top most. Your family is there 24 hours a day and you love them so of course they matter a lot. My friends are there all the time my family isn't there so they also matter because almost as much as your family, they shape what you will be when you're older.

On reading this over today, I was struck with a few things. One, my briefness. I don't think I have written anything that short since then, or something with so few commas. Sadly, it sounds like an essay for a Regents exam. I hope my writing has improved. Secondly, my discontent on being in a small town. It was an attitude I carried until the minute I left for college. Then all of the sudden, where I came from was an integral part of who I was and my missing pride when I was growing up came in droves. The importance of school has shifted over the years - in grad school they tell me grades don't count - yet, my insistence on the importance of my education has only grown stronger as I get older. One thing that has not changed is my emphasis on family and friends. They were a major shaping force in who I am today and I thank heavens every night for who I was blessed with to help me this far. Overall, I was almost mad at my fourteen year old self for being moody it seemed. I vaguely remember writing in this journal, lamenting my boring, safe, privileged life. It's laughable now but I guess that's how you're supposed to sound at fourteen.

Clearly I forgot something...

Happy Dance Three occurred with little fanfare two weeks ago now, as after I finished the last paper I had to pack up all my stuff yet again to be moved into storage for the summer. My gypsy ways are starting to get old. I cannot wait to put down roots somewhere for a few years. I must be getting old...

I'm officially home now for the month of May. A month that is already filling up with activities so I'm not sure how much of a break it is going to be in the long run. But, I figure it will be the last time I get a whole month of nothingness. I plan on enjoying it! This coming week I have to get my paperwork straightened around for my internship this summer and I want to work in our basement too. It needs some serious organizing. Plus, Iron Man is out. Need to go see that. The beginning of my summer movie fun :-)

I did finish Becoming Jane Austen today. The first of my summer reads. I liked this exploration of Jane's Life (yes, we are on a first name basis....deal with it). Being the English major I was (and still wish I was most of the time), I liked how this biography approached her work as an extension of what was happening in her life. True, only one, if any arguably are, of her novels is slightly autobiographical, but her emotional state while writing is often easily linked to events in her life. I know this book took a lot of criticism for the emphasis it put on Jane's relationship with Tom Lefroy (and inspired the movie which I could have done without in the end). Yet, I think Jon Spence raised some very interesting points and did a very thoughtful examination of Jane's work and correspondence. I'll have to sit on it a few days to really form an opinion of it. A part of me wants to think she had her one great love affair that didn't work out but the other part of me claims she was far too practical and prosaic to spend her life alone for the sake of a few meetings and flirtations at assemblies one season. But then again, I love Jane best because I'm fairly certain she was like me: a realistic hopeless romantic with a bit of cynicism thrown in for good measure. We always want to believe in the happy ending but we're too aware of human nature in the end to have faith in it lasting.

On that happy note, let my vacation begin!